One day I will get in to more of my past, and probably answer plenty of questions about it along the way, but I'm going to start this story briefly in the summer of 2021 when I got sober. Though my full on addiction started about 7 or 8 years prior, when I was a physically healthy, successful actress, musician, performer... but too many things mentally had been left unaddressed, and I started self medicating. I had pushed myself too far, and my partner of 4 years blind-sighted me with a breakup.. as someone with an ND I had been masking and trying to be this perfect person for everyone for so long that I finally snapped... I became the ugliest human when i drank that no one recognized me, I became everything that I hated and so by the time I decided I was done I had lost everything; my home, my career, my friends, a lot of my family, my self respect, my pride, my reputation, and my health. I spent most of those years loathing myself, and drinking just to continue to forget what my life had become.

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By Summer of '21 things in my life had taken a turn for the worst of the worst one day with a now ex, when in that moment, somehow, I had this intense feeling of "I don't deserve this anymore" . I haven't had a drink since. I credit a lot to my mom as well. I thought I had lost everyone I loved. But it was finally safe for my mom to travel after covid, only a few weeks since the incident with my ex. and I don't know if this was because of where my head was at, or that my mom could see where my head was at, but I felt as though she was looking at me like her daughter again. And that was it. My mom is now basically my best friend and we have never been closer. we live provinces away from each other but when you can facetime a couple times a week, it doesn't feel so far 🩷

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Things were still going to be rough for a while, because I had also finally received a diagnosis for extreme pain Id been suffering with, Rheumatoid Arthritis. Shortly after I was also diagnosed with Adenomyosis, a hiatal hernia, PTSD, ADHD, Anxiety (lol no way!) and Depression (my psychiatrist and I are questioning this one still...) . For some reason these things don't bother me though, as I know I still feel better as someone who doesn't have to have alcohol in her system to keep from shaking. And having my mental diagnoses were such game changers for me too. I felt validated for the first time in my entire life. I finally made sense. And I'm very health focused now, not to mention so much more grateful for having made it out the other side. I lost many many friends and some family members who weren't so lucky.

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Even though I was healthier mentally, I knew I couldn't go back to performing, or doing what I'd trained my whole life for. Along with my physical illnesses, the PTSD I developed has made me a much more frightened and sensitive individual , and I just couldn't see me able to do anything that I had spent my life working towards anymore. It was a sad thought; knowing I'd probably never dance or sing on stage again, but I've become more comfortable closing that chapter of my life as time goes on. Again, I had my mom, my cats, and my sobriety, and nothing was keeping me from being happy about that. I had so many more chapters to write.

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It was January 2023 when I first thought of creating a Youtube Channel. I was on disability, but I still wanted to do more with my life than just take care of my body all day. And Youtube seemed like the best idea for someone in my situation. I could create a channel where I could still show my skills as a comedian, a writer, a film editor, a graphic designer, or a voice-over artist. "I still have my voice", I thought. So the planning slowly started, and I saved up to buy a computer which I hadn't had in years. It felt great to do what I loved again, and I could work at my own pace; around my physical and mental set backs, and doctors appointments, and just do as much or as little as I wanted. I began making compilation videos of cats edited to music, and I'd slowly open up using my voice, trying to find exactly what I wanted out of this project and I was experimenting with different ideas.

I launched on Youtube in Sept 2023, and it was slow moving, but ok! My Instagram channel started out as a passive Susie account at first. I wasn't trying to grow there or anything, I just wanted to post them there too. But as most of you know because I made a video on it, Youtube's algorithm change in Jan 2024 completely HALTED any views I was getting on youtube. it became a wasteland. and that could have easily dampened my spirits (let's face it, it did, I was whiny) but it was then that Meta was on my side without me even trying and I went from 5k followers to 40k in like a week on Instagram! They had me make a facebook page for it so that I could be a business account, so guess what? Facebook became my new passive account. And then guess what happened? I grew EVEN MORE on there 😂 I think this is why I am so bitter about the the background interface of meta (and google, just not as bad). Because it PUSHES you to do certain things, to do more and to spend money. It always makes you feel like you aren't doing enough. And following their rules gets me nowhere, seeing as how I do most of my growing when I'm not following their advice, on my accounts that I treat passively (or I should say how I want to treat them). 

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I had a lot of unexpected life changes during these two years since starting. I moved... twice (moved in with my partner, learned that my partner wasn't going to carry his share of the emotional and mental toll and it was plummeting my mental health. So I moved out on my own again this past August of 2024.) I lost two family members; one to cancer and another to addiction. and two friends; one to accidental overdose and the other was purposefully self-inflicted. My partner and I also lost one of our kitties, Mythbuster, to cancer before I moved out. Susie and Calvin both became sick with different ailments. Then I was scammed by my moving company, and the financial toll of rising rent prices in my city was gut wrenching. I am now paying more than twice what I was paying monthly at the house, but it was still the best decision I made and I have no regrets. My mental health is so much more important to me than money. If we are at peace, then as long as we have the essentials with a roof over our heads, I am forever grateful.

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It has been a wild learning experience full of several overwhelming emotions. But one thing that I wasn't expecting was to grow such a beautiful community of people. It is mind blowing just how much love and encouragement and support I read from you guys every single day. I really wanted to make sure that whatever space I ended up creating, that it was going to be a safe space. I am not perfect, I tend to joke about my "trauma sass" to make light of how I get triggered by certain comments and need to leave the channel for the day, but I'm trying 🩷 at first I didn't mind replying to the trolls, but it always creates a shadow over my joy and that's when the trolls win. So you most likely won't see me engaging much if at all with the trolls anymore, but I highly encourage anyone who wants to have fun there to go ahead, it's ok 😂 any comments are good comments to the algorithm! get them ranting, it helps my channel. LOL

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Many people tell me that with me being the sensitive person that I am, I "shouldn't be on the internet then" but you know what? No. I won't just stop doing what I love because there are jerks in the world. We shouldn't have to "handle" bullying every time we go online anymore than if we walked out our front door. I'm tired of "that's just how it is". Everything has the opportunity to change for the better. Even if it does just start in a little place in the corner of the internet where cats talk and fall over a lot 🤭

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So I want to say thank you. One thing I certainly wasn't expecting was to feel so much love for all of you. I could not have gotten through a lot of what I went through anywhere near as easily if I hadn't had you guys by my side. Telling me to breathe and that it was all going to be ok. That you were here for me and not to feel alone. and I haven't, for someone who does not interact with people 99% of the time, I really don't feel like I'm in this alone at all. That is a warm comforting feeling I haven't felt in a very very long time.

 

The goal, essentially, is to never stop. Just keep improving and finding more and more people to help. In the long run, the dream is to make enough money that I don't have to be on disability anymore. As grateful as I am for it, it's provincial aide, and what is keeping me in my current province. So if I can make this sustainable without my benefits, I can finally move closer to my Mom, and be with her in the same small town where she grew up 🩷 (and of course susie also needs her own ninja gym).