Resurfacing (yesterdays post)

First and FOREMOST I want to apologize for keeping everyone in the dark this past week. It wasn't my intention to disappear on you guys out of the blue and I am so sorry for that! I am ok, and am almost back to my regular self again ❤️

For those who are here for the cat sillies and not my complicated medical history and mental health, here's the jist so you don't have to wade through the details. I got hit really hard with an illness that kept me bed ridden from last Tuesday til about yesterday. I was so dizzy, light-headed and nauseated that there was no way I was going to be able to let you guys know. So unfortunately I had to just be ok with that, focus on getting better, and hope you'd all understand when I was finally able to give an update. But the voice-over-cat-video-making-machine is well oiled and back to work, and will be popping out new videos as soon as possible 💜

For those curious on the details, I always want to be as transparent with you as I can. This is not much of a positive post, and some of this gets dark, so I understand if this read isn't for you. Just know that I am ok and that I love you ❤️

Some of you are aware that I struggle with a handful of physical illnesses (auto immune disease, a hiatal hernia, adenomyosis, the list goes on..) but I struggle a lot with my mental health as well. (Not a fishing expedition for sympathy, I just find this context important and explains many things) I am well medicated, and have an amazing psychiatrist and counsellor, but, especially with my PTSD and anxiety, there are always going to be things that are either out of my control, or are too overwhelming for my mind to process in a healthy way. I am also low-support-needs neurodivergent; which means I'm good to take care of myself, live alone, all the basics and more. But low-support doesn't mean no-support, and I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me. I am growing more and more aware that I may need someone as a rep to help with certain things, but I'm really not sure how to go about that... brain storming on that for another day.

A lot of what has helped me with my mental health since coming out of my addiction years ago, is finding purpose and happiness in day-to-day life again. Being able to wake up and feel purpose for the day is one of my strongest tools. It's one of the many reasons why this channel is so important to me, as these videos are helping me with my mental struggles just as much as I hope they're helping others.

Now, as for what exactly happened this week; I wish I had been taking mental notes at the time, or I'd have more answers for the both of us. It was maybe two or three weeks ago when the dark clouds starting hovering in my peripherals. These clouds move in so slowly I almost don't realize how dark it's gotten until it's too late. By the end of March I was feeling quite negative about my day-to-day and the issues with my computer editing program sure did not help. By Tuesday, after posting my April Fools video, something felt... wrong. I just didn't feel at peace. I began to feel emotional pain that I hadn't felt in years. Feeling unimportant, unstable, valueless... bitter. I think the hardest part to swallow about this whole "slow start" I'm having on social media platforms when it comes to monetization is not necessarily the lack of being paid, but more-so that my videos DO make earnings for a billion dollar company.

And so Wednesday morning I woke up, and i couldn't get myself to move. For the life of me I couldn't find any reason to go further than that. I had a mind that was in such a dark spiral that could not think of one reason to get up other than to say to myself "Why? to make facebook more ad revenue today?" These billionaires make me sick enough, that this thought just destroyed me. The less I could convince myself to get up, the more it hurt that I couldn't find a good enough reason. And that was the most physically painful set of emotions I have felt in so long that I became fearful. Fearful, depressed, valueless, and wondering wtf to go from there.

For those who know, you know; sadness hurts. It hurt so bad that day, that it literally soured my stomach, and made myself ill. I have never known my emotions to have such an impact on my body that I was taken out for an entire week. I was so dizzy that I could barely stand or walk, my stomach was boiling and I couldn't keep anything down, and I felt so incredibly lost.

My mom and friend were trying to contact me but I was in a state of pushing people away. I far from wanted to talk about or explain my current situation. And lets face it, I was in full on pity party mode. but that evening I was sitting there crying, stewing, until i found myself reflecting. What was the plan, here? I don't want to feel this way anymore, right? I was sitting there like a pouty baby who needed her mom, but I had pushed my mom and everyone out. "So guess what Alex, tag, your in." By pushing other people out from helping, I was simultaneously putting the responsibility to pull myself out of this... on me. I thought "Ok which Alex do I need then?" Turns out Agonizingly-Depressed-Alex needs Tough-Love Alex, mixed with Parental-Alex. And I really had to sit and wonder what is it about being sad or depressed, that makes things that could change that or cheer one up so repellant? weird, right? So that evening I decided to play a trick on my brain by saying to myself "The only one in charge here of whether or not I go to bed feeling mentally ok is me. And i say I am." it was slow starting until i forced it to sink in as the truth (I'm in charge here!!! lol), and it fricken worked! At least enough to stop the progression.

Unfortunately it only worked for the mental health side of things. Physically, i still had a lot of rest and healing to do.

Luckily I had the right mind Thursday morning to video call my mom, even though I was light-headed and dizzy i still couldn't look at the screen for long or type anything; but i knew I needed her. And I am so glad i did call. She was with me on the phone as much as she could these last few days, helping me one step at a time, as I got back to my safe place in my mind, heart, body, and home. I am so grateful to her, and overjoyed that she's coming down to stay with me for a few days next week! I originally wasn't going to be able to see her until July, but she decided to make the trip 🥹❤️ that's the medicine i really need. mom hugs.

Today was the first day I woke up and felt myself again. The dark clouds have subsided and it feels really good to not feel that overwhelmingly crappy anymore 😅😆 Sitting here with my coffee, opening my computer for the first time in almost a week and finally getting this pain I've felt for leaving you guys in the dark off of my chest. I am so sorry. I do understand and know that I am allowed to take as much time off as I want and need and all that, but to just vanish without an explanation is not something I want to make a habit of.

I can't promise that this won't happen again, but I will promise to pay attention and try to catch these feelings early. That way at the very least I can give you all a heads up. I care about you very much, and if I worried anyone for going awol I am so so sorry.

I hope you had a better week last week than I did, but either or, I wish beautiful things for you all this week ahead ❤️ In what ever shape or form that beauty comes, you deserve it. I read somewhere that the three most important things are having someone (or something) to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. And I couldn't agree more.

❤️🐈

I will do my best to get a video to you guys today, but you can most definitely expect to see one tomorrow 🫂❤️

Love Alex, Calvin, and Susie